29 September 2013

breakthrough

Today was a great day.


PRAISE. THE. GOOD. LORD.

For almost 9 weeks now, Boone has been suffering from a severe case of separation anxiety. It happened out-of-the-blue and instantaneously. One night he was fine, the next he would not leave my side. At all. You couldn't offer him enough candy or ponies to get him to step more than 4 feet from me at any given moment. Every single day since then I've been followed around the house incessantly. My name has been called out in questioning panic hundreds, if not thousands, of times. My patience has worn thin more times than I'd like to think as I would reassure him that "Yes, I am still here. No, I'm not leaving. Boone, Mommy's right here."And it only took one major, honestly-scared-out-of-his-mind, clawing-at-himself-and-the-door anxiety attack to realize this is serious and we have to figure it out.

I have played psychologist and come up with a few legit reasons as to why this has happened. I have gotten advice from a real child psychologist on how to help him through this. I have cried more tears of frustration, anguish, and sadness for my sweet son than I can think of. It physically pains me to see him like this. This has never been him. He has never been timid. He is the life of the party. The risk taker. He was the baby who never looked back to make sure his mama was still there.

All of this anxiety has been extremely testing, and I have been feeling completely inadequate as a mother. Not knowing what he needs or how to give it. Not knowing why he is behaving the way he is, or how to encourage different behavior. I have felt countless times that I am screwing up my child, and that he will want nothing to do with me when he is grown. I have felt alone; frustrated with him and frustrated with myself.

But today at church, that changed. Jeff shimmied into the pew next to me right as service was starting, and my eyes got big with wonder and he whispered "He's OK! I don't need to be in there with him- I promised him I would check on him partway through." My heart did a flip and right in that instant a song started that brought me to tears. It was THE song. The song that was on Boone's birth video. The song that I sang on repeat in my darkest hour while I clung to Boone when he was a wee babe:
How Great Is Our God

God spoke to me in that moment. He told me all is well. It will be OK. We will get through this. His grace is sufficient for me. Boone will be alright.

God made me his mother for a reason, and I have a purpose in his life. He is my timely blessing, and made specifically and perfectly for our family.

Ever so thankful, I hung on to Jeff and cried the entire song. And then after the service I showered hugs and kisses and high-fives on my sweet boy. He was proud of himself as he explained in the car that he "trusted that we would come get him afterwards... and if not, then Eileigh would take him home". He thinks he will want to do it again next week. Perfect.

Amazing breakthrough. I'm sure it will still be a process, but this is exactly what I needed to have renewed energy and hope for the future.

Thank you, Lord, for my son. And thank you for your faithfulness.
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1 comment:

Kristi A said...

Bless his little heart, I'm glad he seems to be doing better! In case there are any further episodes, I wanted to just tell you my experience with a sudden personality change in my 6-year-old. He had panic attacks, lost all empathy, felt he "loved" strangers but didn't love his family, couldn't sleep, had hallucinations. All of this happened, as you said, overnight. Our family doctor said whenever there is a sudden personality change in children like that, she suspects infection. It turned out that he had Lyme disease, which we then treated for almost 2 years with antibiotics. We never saw a tick or rash, and we're very grateful that she thought to test for it. It is in EVERY state, and it can cause some bizarre symptoms. Just keep that in your pocket.